Frontal Assault Friday 8/26: Don't Be Afraid Of Our Colombian Idiot Brother

Despite four major studio releases last weekend, not ONE was able to crack the top spot at the box office, which just goes to prove that you cannot roll a turd uphill.  It will just smear on the ascent.  I can't for the life of me figure out why "The Help" and the "Apes" are still seated in the top two spots.  Maybe it's because they both deal with race relations.  I suppose "Spy Kids" can't hold a candle to oppression.

This weekend we have a triple threat of turds from the studios, including the dull as rocks Paul Rudd, some non scary creature flick, and Zoe Saldana showing us popcorn chomping fat asses what great shape she's in.  Onward...

A young girl (Bailee Madison) sent to live with her father discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.

Why is this a problem?  You know how hard it is to get good child care these days? So here we have yet another child in supernatural jeopardy film ("Insidious" anyone?) in which the adults don't believe the kid until it's nearly too late.  We could only hope the kid gets eaten and shortens the  running time.

This is what Guillermo del Toro left "The Hobbit" for?  HA!  Sucker!

A supposed comedy centered on an idealist (Paul Rudd) who barges into the lives of his three sisters.

Follow this simple formula and I'll save an hour and a half of your life this weekend:  Paul Rudd = WWD (Watching Wallpaper Dry).

Any questions?

A young woman (Zoe Saldana) grows up to be a stone cold assassin after witnessing the death of her parents at an early age.

This annoying trailer keeps screaming "Never forget where you came from!" at me, which I'll probably amend to "Never forget you saw this awful film!" after my screening.  Saldana does exhibit some acting chops, but she needs to pick projects that doesn't involve kicking doors open and shattering ear drums with gunfire.

Olivier Megaton directs with all the subtly of a jack hammer.




Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."