Frontal Assault Friday 8/19: One Day In A Vampire Barbarian Spy's Life

"Rise of the Planet of the Apes" dominated the box office for the second weekend in a row last week, which is not surprising when the story is about a group of "apes" rising up against their "human oppressors" in order to find freedom in this world.  I saw this film in Atlanta where the audience was very pleased with the outcome.

This weekend we find ourselves chained to the usual assortment of late summer movie feces with no less than four major releases in which to be oppressed by.  One can hope that we might find freedom from this cinematic trash after Labor Day, but don't count on it.  Onward...

Muscles and swords return to the big screen (sans Arnold) as Conan (Jason Momoa) ventures across Hyboria to avenge the murder of his father and slaughter of his village.

Feel free to toss this one in the "unnecessary remakes" category, as the original films still hold up just fine.  Besides, Arnold's real life barbarian antics are FAR more entertaining that watching this Universal Studios stunt show version crammed with explosions and CGI effects.  Rose McGowan and Stephen Lang costar.

Here's the official IMDB synopsis of this film: "A teenager suspects his new neighbor is a vampire."  Duh.  What it should read is this: "We failed to come up with any original ideas so we're just going to keep giving you crappy remakes of great 80's films and laugh our way to the banks.  Suckers!"

It doesn't surprise me to see Colin Farrell slumming around in this vampire nonsense (whose premise is dated next to more recent fanged vehicles), but Toni Collette has no good excuse for being here, save to make the mortgage payment on her house.

After spending the night together on their college graduation, Dexter (Jim Sturgess) and Em (Anne Hathaway) are shown each year on the same date to see where they are in their lives.

David Nicholls adapted his own gimmicky novel, which I'm sure he now regrets after watching the finished product which a) bears very little to what he originally wrote, and b) features the increasingly annoying Anne Hathaway.   Can someone please put a muzzle on her horse teeth?

A retired agent (Jessica Alba) gets back into action and enlists her two step children to help stop a supervillain known as the Timekeeper (Jeremy Piven) from taking over the world.

Want something better to do with your kids?  Hit them in the heads with softballs at high speed, because that will be more enriching than subjecting them to this stale material that Robert Rodriguez crapped out on the toilet after a taco and tequila bender.  Doesn't surprise me that his wife wanted a divorce.



Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."