Frontal Assault Friday 5/13: Everything Must Go For Priests And Bridesmaids

Last weekend Marvel's assembly line film "Thor" landed more with a ball peen hammer than it did with Mjolnir, only racking up about $66 million in ticket sales to claim the top spot at the BO.  I guess audiences were still reeling from 1980's "Flash Gordon" to pack the theaters with a straight face.

This weekend the summer movie season steamrolls on with no less than three major releases, amazingly none of which are CGI animated releases, although it doesn't really matter when such snooze inducing actors like Paul Bettany and Kristen Wiig star in these quest items.  Onward...

A futuristic priest (Paul Bettany) goes against church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece (Lilly Collins).

The only thing that looks more inherently stupid than the trailer below is Bettany's image on the poster to the left, who looks like he came up on the losing end of a rectory party when he passed out from drinking too much of the 'blood of Christ.'  Last year his paycheck film was the hysterical "Legion" (review HERE), now we're subjected to this CGI filled nonsense. Can't this guy manage his finances better?

Oh, and for the record, chicks dig tattoos, but not one of a cross plastered on your face.  Just sayin'.

Think "The Hangover," but with women and you pretty much know what to expect here.  The lovelorn Annie (Kristen Wiig) plays maid of honor to her best friend and must bluff her way through the bizarre rituals with a group of oddball bridesmaids.

Here's a better choice: see "The Hangover" again, or just wait until the sequel is released on May 26th.  No one wants to endure a bunch of foul mouth and socially challenged women for two hours.  

Hell, if I wanted to see that, I'd just stay home.

When an alcoholic (Will Ferrell) relapses and loses his wife and job, he holds a yard sale on his front lawn in an effort to reboot his life.

Boy, nothing will improve your mood better than watching other people fall on their face.  You may need a few drinks in you to tolerate this indie crap since Ferrell is LONG past the point of funny.  "Land of the Lost" anyone?

Of course, Ferrell may have reached the 'Jim Carrey point' in his career where he feels the need to turn to more 'serious' work in order to stay relevant.  Yeah, that worked out really well for Carrey.



Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."