Frontal Assault Friday 4/8: Hanna Arthur And The Soul Surfing Highness

I'm convinced that if you made a CGI animated film about prison rape (in 3D!) it would still end up as the number one film for that weekend.  How else do you explain the obnoxious "Hop" for claiming the top spot last weekend, especially since it starred the wooden James Marsden?

This weekend we find ourselves fudge packed with no less than four major studio releases competing for your attention, none of which seem worth tossing your salad over.  Onward...

When a prince's bride is kidnapped, he embarks on a quest to rescue her with his lazy brother.

If you ever wanted to see an 80's style fantasy film riddled with foul language,  this may be the quest item for you.  The rest of us tax paying adults have had enough of Kenny Powers and Natalie Portman's ass to last a lifetime, and James Franco was barely tolerable with one arm, much less armed with a sword.

For basement dwellers only.

A 16 year old (Saoirse Ronan) raised to be an assassin is dispatched on a mission across Europe while tracked by a ruthless intelligence agent (Cate Blanchett).

I suppose the week wouldn't be complete without at least one child killer film to balance out the onslaught of CGI animated family fare, and this would be it.  Nice to see Eric Bana getting work, though.  Remember him?  He's the guy from the crappy Incredible Hulk film.  Now he's the guy from the crappy child killer film.

Where's Chloe Grace Moretz when you really need her?

 

A drunken playboy (Russell Brand) stands to lose a wealthy inheritance when he falls for a woman his family doesn't like.

I'd like to know what Hollywood jackass thought this Dudley Moore remake was necessary?  Brand looks like he belongs in a British drag club and Mirren justs looked embarrassed.

Please watch the trailer for the ORIGINAL 1981 classic below and go rent that one instead.

A teenage girl (Sonya Balmores) summons the courage to go back into the ocean after suffering from a shark attack.

Hey!  Seems we also filled our missing limb film for this week as well.  This one is for those who wanted to see "127 Hours" with a hot chick instead of a homosexual guy.  Too bad the shark didn't sever her head as well, because a headless surfer flick would have been awesome dude!



Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."