Frontal Assault Friday 4/15: Someone Screamed Conspiracy In Rio

Do you think if Jesus Christ came back he would go see "Hop?"  After it taking the number one spot at the box office yet again last weekend, I'm inclined to think he might go out of peer pressure.  Hell, he might even enjoy it knowing Easter doesn't just revolve around his holy ass.

Sacrilegious musings aside,  this pre-Easter Sunday weekend we have three major studio releases descend upon our theaters.  None of them will have you nailing yourself to a cross over, but neither will they be raising the dead, if you catch my New Testament drift.  Onward...

Ten years have past.  Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) has put her life back together thanks to her writing, only to have the Ghostface Killer reemerge once again to rack up the local body count.

I wish this Ghostface Killer would knock off Wes Craven and the insufferable David Arquette and be done with it already.  Craven's last masterpiece ("My Soul To Take") was 'dead' on arrival, so now this once talented director has to return to stale material that was only interesting the first time around when he killed Drew Barrymore in the pre-credit sequence.

Do us a favor Wes, and kill the rest of the cast in the same manner!

A homosexual CGI macaw takes off on an adventure to Rio de Janerio (hence the lame title) to meet other gay birds and assorted local creatures.

Safe to say this CGI kiddie fest will no doubt be number one this weekend, and I'll no doubt be complaining about it next weekend.  Who knows?  Maybe this will be a double feature with "Hop" for Christ when he rolls out of the cave on Easter morning.

For gay children and religious icons only.

Mary Suratt (Robin Wright) is a lone female charged as a co-conspirator in the assassination of Lincoln, and it's up to a reluctant lawyer (James McAvoy) to save her.

Robert Redford dusts off his directing cap to bring you this snooze fest which about 10 people will go see, but only because they couldn't get into "Scream 4."  Lincoln was shot in the head while watching art, which is exactly how you'll feel after watching this boring looking drama.

Can we just get to the summer movies already?



Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."