I’m going to save anyone even remotely interested in seeing Catherine Hardwicke’s “Red Riding Hood” this weekend a lot of time, money, and effort with the following sentence:
The werewolf in question is none other than Red Riding Hood’s father (Billy Burke).
Rarely do I ever give away spoilers (or critical plot points) in a review, but this quest item is such a wretched left over semen stain from the “Twilight” franchise that I feel it is my sworn duty as a Film Warrior to discourage you any way that I can from seeing what is easily the worst film of the year so far, and it’s only March.
March.
Last month I nominated the gleefully stupid cave adventure “Sanctum” (review HERE) as the worst of the bunch, but former “Twilight” director Hardwicke easily proves she has no idea how to direct a film with her latest endeavor that reeks so much of Team Edward and Team Jacob you might as well call it “Twilight’s Red Riding Hood.”
“Big Love” actress Amanda Seyfried stars as the Riding Hood in question, torn between the forbidden love of a woodcutter (hunky Shiloh Fernandez) and the man she’s been prearranged to marry (hunky Max Irons). Before she can ride off into a CGI sunset with either of them, the aforementioned werewolf turns up in the village during a blood moon and starts tearing up all the non attractive villagers.
Veteran scene chewer Gary Oldman (who stopped being a compelling actor YEARS ago) eventually arrives on the studio set to do battle with the beast as a seasoned werewolf killer who lost his wife to one (think Hugh Jackman’s “Van Helsing,” but without the big hat or cool weapons). His role consists of screaming a lot and getting killed midway through the running time.
Also wandering around the set is screen legend Julie Christie as Riding Hood’s grandmother, whose sole purpose in the film is to recite a few keys lines from the Grimm folk tale during a dream sequence.
Christie (still stunning beautiful at 70) once starred in one of the greatest love stories ever made, “Doctor Zhivago.” It’s a shame that Hardwicke didn’t watch that film before she began shooting so she would at least know how to capture actual passion on camera. All of the young actors here are simply posing for shots while drenched in fresh lipstick and plenty of hair gel.
At the very least Hardwicke (and screenwriter David Johnson) should have watched Neil Jordan’s sexually charged 1984 take on the material called “The Company of Wolves,” which starred the deliciously creepy Angela Lansbury as the grandmother.
But no. Here we’re stuck with American Eagle models wandering around a faux winter setting while a badly animated CGI wolf shows up every now and again to torment the villagers and the viewing audience. Seyfried has no sexual chemistry with either of her co-actors, and often looks silly roaming the snowy white landscape in her all-too-obvious red cloak.
“Red Riding Hood” is more of an extended video for Lady Gaga than it is a compelling narrative film. Even die hard “Twilight” fans won’t be fooled by this shameless cash in that’s quickly forgotten once the end credits roll.
Somewhere in Hell the Brothers Grimm are laughing their asses off.
“Deeds, not words…”
4 comments:
I cannot BELIEVE you did that! Even if it was for my own good.
In Billy Burke's defense, he is the best part of the Twilight series. He has the best lines and no one has rocked the cheesy moustache this well since Magnum.
~S.
Maybe that was what the filmed needed: Burke's cheesy mustache.
And Gary Oldman leaping around like he did in the subway bathroom in "Prick Up Your Ears". Maybe that would have added a little je ne said quois. :)
~S.
To his credit, he was doing a bit of leaping around. Didn't help the proceedings any. Hopefully he'll just stick to doing Batman films from here on out.
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