Frontal Assault Friday 3/4: It's The Beastly Rango Bureau Tonight!

The Farrelly brother's cinematic shart "Hall Pass" barely eked out a win over some CGI gnomes to claim the number one spot this past weekend at the box office.  I don't know why, since they haven't been comically relevant since the mid 90's.  Fortunately I was too enraptured with Charlie Sheen's latest antics to really care.

This weekend Hollywood dumps out no less that four major releases, which should give you four new reasons to waste your money on garbage instead of paying bills or feeding your kids.  And no, feeding your kids movie theater nachos doesn't count.  Onward...

A chameleon who aspires to be a hero finds himself hip deep in lizard shit in a town overrun by bandits.

Apparently director Gore Verbinski found the lost footage from Depp's "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" and repacked here it as a kid friendly film, one that current train-wreck-of-the-week star Charlie Sheen will no doubt take his kids to see.

Of course, this film might work better on a cocaine high.

The affair between a politician (Matt Damon) and a ballerina (Emily Blunt) is affected by mysterious forces keeping them apart.

This film was originally called "The Second Inception" until the filmmakers realized that title was TOO much of a ripoff from Nolan's bloated opus.  I'm tired of these cerebral flicks where I need a Masters Degree just to figure out what the hell is going on.  

Whatever happened to the simple boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy screws a LOT of other chicks, boy wins girl back plotline?

A modern day take on "Beauty and the Beast."

This is all you really need to know, and should be enough to prompt you to go rent either the Disney version or acclaimed Linda Hamilton/Ron Perlman television series and stay far away from this garbage.

Besides, I've seen uglier dudes at my local Taco Bell at three in the morning.

A college grad (Topher Grace) pursues his dream girl at a wild Labor Day weekend party.

This flick is for those who thought the stars of "Hot Tub Time Machine" were too old.  I originally gave this trailer high marks (HERE), but then my beer buzz wore off and I realized I had already seen this film WAY too many times already.

Go watch anything by John Hughes instead.



Begin the assault!

"Deeds, not words..."